Amy McVay I’m still here.
I never want to go away, that is never my desire.
If given the choice to stay or go, I would choose to stay right here with you.
But often the illness in my brain doesn’t give me a choice.
I’m here and then I’m not, like the flip of a switch.
And I am not the operator of that switch.
Like a power line gone down, I have to wait for the power to be restored.
It is not a physical going somewhere.
I keep waking up every morning in my same bed.
Walking around the same four walls of my house.
And yet, I am not home.
It’s like the real me has been abducted.
I hesitate in using this word because it seems too violent,
and yet mental illness can be very violent.
Depression can feel like I’ve been displaced from my own body. Forced out. It is supposed to be the home of my soul, but at times it can feel like a war zone.
Allow me to paint you a picture…
You are walking along your everyday life,
living and breathing,
and showing up as best you know how.
Life is good,
and hard at times,
but you are deeply grateful to be alive,
and share life with those you love.
Now imagine you are at home with your people,
when all of a sudden the lights go out.
Not for everyone,
just you.
Before you can even realize what is happening,
you are being drug away from those you love.
You want to call for help,
but something covers your mouth.
You are mute and unable to speak.
Inside you are being beaten, mocked, and insulted.
Often a record is put on the player of your brain, repeating over and over your past regrets, and failures. Pretty much anything not good, is what your brain can remember right now. You are in agonizing pain.
You feel like you have been abandoned in the middle of nowhere. You don’t know where you are, how you got there, or which way is home. You find yourself wandering aimlessly, or sitting like a statue staring into nothing. The life that once made sense, doesn’t make sense right now where you are.
What do you do when depression picks you up and drops you off in the middle of nowhere, beat up, wounded, and disoriented?
It was one of those times, in the dark middle of nowhere, desperate for rescue,
that I met Jesus.
Somehow He could hear my internal cries for help, when no one else could.
He was gentle and kind, with nothing but love and compassion in His eyes.
His presence lit up my darkness.
He helped me up and bandaged my wounds.
He said follow me, and I will take you home.
At times He even carried me when I couldn’t walk on my own.
His voice like a soothing whisper called to me, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life.”
I didn’t understand what all of that meant, but as I followed, I found myself back home.
Waking up, back home in my own body, it takes time to process what has happened.
I liken it to having amnesia. I need others to remind me who I am, where I am, and what I was doing before I was taken from them.
I look around, is Jesus really with me?
I remember He didn’t just bring me home, He said He is my home.
Jesus is my true home, I can never be displaced from Him.
“No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow- not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below- indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Romans 8:37-39
When what I am feeling attempts to displace me, I turn to my real life, my real home.
It’s taken me a long time to recognize Jesus with me.
Living with depression, I can’t always sense His presence, which can make Him feel far away, out of my reach.
I’m learning that is not true, and that He is closer than the air I breathe.
No matter where I find myself, surrounded by blue skies or in the dark middle of nowhere, my home will be there.
Jesus is my way home.
Love is my real home.
Home never leaves me.
“Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me. There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am. And you know the way to where I am going.”
“No, we don’t know, Lord,” Thomas said. “We have no idea where you are going, so how can we know the way?”
Jesus told him, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me.”
John 14:1-6
