The Courage to be Blue

The lie to be more than who I am visits me often, especially when I am not feeling well.

It says, “You need to be more and do more, to really have value.”

Having a mental illness, I go through seasons where I am not able to do much.

Breathing is work.

Getting out of bed is a major victory.

When I am not accomplishing what I think I should be,

I struggle with my value and self-worth.

I have tended to hide in these times because I feel like I don’t have anything to offer.

Like there is something I have to do to be enough.

And yet a still small voice whispers,

“I Am here.  

You are loved.  

I Am enough.”

As I turn away from the lie and lean into this truth,

I find myself showing up.

And my people tell me it matters.

Even if I just sit there and have nothing to say.

Nothing to offer.

They say my presence has value.

I am listening.

Friends, IT IS HARD to show up to life when we are not feeling well.

When we have nothing together.

When the list of things that need to be done are undone.

When we have no makeup or accomplishments that can cover up the hurt we feel inside.

It’s when we are most vulnerable, and most likely to hide.

It takes courage to let our true selves be seen.

But when we do we find we are not alone.

Others struggle and hurt like we do, and need a safe place to be themselves.

What would it look like to be that place?

One of my favorite quotes by Brennan Manning says,

“God loves you unconditionally, as you are and not as you should be,

because nobody is as they should be.”

I am in process of accepting myself as I am, and not as I think I should be.

This is allowing me to be present with people, where I wasn’t able to before.

I have found that the real me, even when she is quiet, even when all she can do is show up,

has more to offer than the me behind the mask of all I think I should be.

*I was inspired by my middle daughter to write this.  She was part of creating a “Blue” day for her entire school, based off the Shel Silverstein poem below called “Mask”.  

Everyone was encouraged to wear something blue in honor of being their true selves, letting their imperfections show, instead of trying to hide them.

Sometimes all we need is permission.

Someone else to go first.

And when one person is brave, it invites others to be brave too.

Thank you M.  You are one one of the bravest people I know, and I love you with all my heart.

What is your mask?

What do you tend to hide behind?

What would happen if that was removed?