Crying out for Help

At the start of a new season, I often find myself wrestling with thoughts of who I am, and who I am not. Like going through my closet and picking out what fits and what doesn’t, certain beliefs and expectations of myself, don’t fit anymore. There are old ways of thinking and doing that don’t belong, but it can be easier to hold on to the familiar, then to let go and embrace what is new. 

I am not who I once was, but I often need to be reminded who I am. 

Often the life God is cultivating in me doesn’t seem to fit into the world around me. He says stillness, the world says activity. He says wait, the world says hurry. He says abide, the world says go. He says rest, the world says stress.

I’ve been paying attention to how I’ve been feeling this month, especially now that we have come to the end of Fall and are entering Winter. Not wanting to miss what this past season has taught me, and wanting to prepare for the new season.

Holidays are their own season. The month started with great promise, I had vision for posting more often on my blog, and I was determined to focus on the gifts we have to give that are not from a store but from our hearts. But then I began to feel sad and anxious. The energy quickly started to leak out of my body as I thought of shopping and presents and more activity and other people’s expectations, real or imagined. I found myself sinking fast just under the thought of it. 

The story from the book of Matthew came to mind, when Jesus came to his disciples in the middle of the night, walking on the waves. 

At first sight, they were terrified and thought it was a ghost, but Jesus spoke words of peace to them,

“Don’t be afraid,” he said. “Take courage. I am here!”

Then Peter called to him, “Lord if it’s really you, tell me to come to you, walking on the water.”

Matthew 14:27-28

I can relate to Peter, when he stepped out of the boat and started walking on the water toward Jesus. When I have eyes locked with Jesus, I can see myself through his eyes. I feel seen, known, loved, and of great value and worth. I am clear on my purpose, and what I am here for. 

Jesus said to Peter, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.” Matthew 14:29-33

Peter locked eyes on Jesus. Peter came to Jesus. He was standing there with Jesus, on the water. And then Peter saw the wind, and his focus shifted, instead of focusing on Jesus he began to focus on what was happening around him, and just like that, he began to sink. In a split second Peter went from believing he could do anything Jesus said he could do, to doubting what Jesus said he could do, and doubting that Jesus was more powerful than the wind around him. 

Like the shifting weather, so my emotions shift. My focus can easily shift. At certain times of the year, it doesn’t take much, it seems, to throw me off course. A sudden change in the weather can affect my mood, and before I know it I am seeing myself and the world around me through a distorted lens, instead of through the eyes of Christ.

I’m encouraged that even when we are doubting and sinking in our unbelief, God can do a miracle when we cry out to him for help, that causes our faith and the faith of those around us to grow.

It wasn’t long after my first post this month, that I felt myself starting to sink. My mind can be quick to think, “I can’t do this.” 

The land of all or nothing is where I used to live, but I don’t live there anymore. That’s right! I’m not a quitter and I refuse to check out, so how do I stay alert and present during a time of year that attempts to take me out?

…This is me, fighting for words.

I used to be really good at trying to hide messes in my home. If there was a bunch of stuff that I didn’t want to look at and also didn’t want to deal with, I would just put a blanket over it, I then just pretended that I didn’t see it. Problem was I knew it was there, and that one day I would have to deal with it, so it continued to weigh me down, even when I tried to put it out of sight.

I’ve often done the same with the messes in my heart. Just like the ones in my home, they can pile up quickly. I am a recovering stuffer of my feelings, especially the ones I don’t like or don’t know what to do with. I am learning how to recognize, and be quick to name what I’m feeling in the presence of Jesus, instead of being afraid to acknowledge how I really feel.

Maybe I’m not the only one who feels sad, anxious, or feels like they don’t have the energy for Christmas. 

Sad when I think of family members we have lost who won’t be with us this year. Sad when I think of Christmas’s past when I have disappointed someone, or just the general feeling of letting people down when I can’t do or be all the things. Sad because the things I really want to do are not always the most popular. 

Anxious at the thought of more things coming into our home, when I think of how much we already have. Anxious about other’s expectations of me. Anxious at the thought of disappointing people.

There are times we prepare room in our hearts, and times when room is prepared for us.

Sometimes unforeseen events happen in life, that can cause past hurts to rise to the surface. We can feel like an excavator is digging into our soul, and taking what once looked like a perfectly fine smooth surface, and tearing it all to pieces. Even if how we had been living wasn’t the healthiest version of ourselves, it was more comfortable than exposing old wounds.

Hang with me…

It was after the birth of our first daughter, that God turned the soil of my life upside down. If you want you can read more about that here https://amymcvay.com/2018/09/11/broken-beautiful/ and here https://amymcvay.com/2018/09/25/getting-help/.

I cried out to Him for help. I begged God to take whatever this was from me, and no one else would ever have to know. He had other plans. He was preparing room for what I really needed. I just wanted to feel better, but God wanted to make me whole. 

Preparing Him room in our hearts looks like asking for help. It is saying, Jesus I need you, I can’t do this on my own. Help. He is faithful to respond to the cries of His children.

Imagine a father, alerted to the cry of their child in pain. What does he do? He runs immediately toward the sound of his child’s cry. Finding his child, he scoops them up and says, it’s going to be ok, I’m here. Cradled in his arms, the father asks his child to show him where it hurts.

Our Heavenly Father God, came to earth, to respond to the cries of His children. Even tiny baby Jesus, lying in a manger, whispers of God,       

I am gentle and kind, you don’t need to be afraid, show me where it hurts. 

There was no way for us to prepare room in our lives for this Pandemic, but it is preparing room in our hearts for new life to be born.

There is something about 9 month experiences that have the potential to give birth to new life. I believe we are experiencing one of those times right now. 

Sometimes the help we cry out for arrives in a different form than we imagined it would. 

God heard my cry, and sent help, but not in the form I wanted. I wanted immediate healing, and God provided counselors I could talk to. I wanted Him to take away the pain, and He provided Doctors who prescribed medicine for relief. I wanted it to stay private, but when I opened up about my diagnosis, He encircled me with the greatest support system I could ever ask for. 

Are there things you have tried to cover up or put out of sight in your heart that are weighing you down, knowing it’s something you need to deal with, but don’t want to?

I know even now, that scary feeling that rises from within.

Let me tell you about the kindness of our Savior Jesus. He has met me in my deepest darkest hours and has never forced His way in. I have been in times of hurting so bad, I didn’t think I could live another day. I have been afraid to open the door before when He knocks, for fear of how He will react to what He finds there. But time and time again when I let Him in, He is gentle and kind, and picks up my bleeding heart and holds it in His strong but tender hands and whispers words of love and life over me. I then have the opportunity to receive or reject those words of life. When I have received them, they have brought healing in the depth of my soul, that I didn’t know was possible.

As our loving Father, God is asking where it hurts. Calling for help, opens wide the door of our hearts for Him to come and scoop us up, and tell us, “I’m here, it’s going to be ok.”  

Sometimes we are afraid to tell where it hurts, in fear of it hurting worse, in fear of more pain. We have been content with bandages covering up our hurts, when God wants us to uncover our wounds in the healing presence of His love. He wants to bring lasting healing that no longer needs to be covered up. He wants to make us whole.

Sometimes we feel like a burden. We don’t want to bring anyone else down with our problems, so we keep them to ourselves. 

You are not a burden.

Jesus made room for you. 

Jesus was born in a stable and laid in a manger.

Jesus made room for anyone to come to Him. Anyone can come to a stable. He was a King, but not born in a palace. He came to live in and among his people, to experience the same life they did. To experience the same suffering and sorrow.

I believe preparing room in our hearts for Jesus means asking Him for help. Showing him where we hurt. Admitting where we have been wrong or tried to do things on our own and failed, and saying, I’m sorry, I need you, please help me. God loves to answer this prayer. 

Think how we feel as a parent when we see one of our children struggling, hurting in pain, and trying to handle it all on their own. We hurt for them and want so badly to help them. What then if they turned to us and said, “I’m sorry, I need you, please help me”, what would our response be? We would embrace them and ask how we could help.

2020 has left a lot of us wounded and vulnerable. There are things we have experienced that we cannot even articulate yet. I believe it has left many of us feeling naked and exposed, and we would like things to go back to some measure of normal where we didn’t feel like the not so best parts of us were laid bare for all to see. 

Jesus was known as a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief. (Isaiah 53:3)

He came to comfort those who mourn, and provide for those who grieve.(Isaiah 61:2-3)

Jesus is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18)

Jesus came as a baby, naked and exposed, to save us. How might those around us experience His love through our vulnerability?

I believe what is being uncovered for many of us in this time is more of who we really are. The life that has always been there since we were first created in our mother’s womb. The naked life that we began to cover up, layer by layer, to try and protect it from the harshness of life outside the womb.

It is in those very places where we feel weak, vulnerable, exposed, that new life can emerge if we nurture it. God wants to nurture us.

It is worth it. Getting out of bed today, putting one foot in front of the other, even when it feels like you’re weighed down with cement. I too walk this road with you. It can feel very lonely, and extremely painful. You are not alone. He sees you and is with you. 

We make room when we admit we have need.

Thankfully there is no limit to how many times we call for help. There are times we may need more help than others, and that is ok.

As I have been calling out for help these past few weeks, God has been faithful to lift me up, and remind me who I am.

I am here today because of the wonders of His love, and that is why I sing.

I love you all.

Thank you for being here with me <3

From my heart to yours,

Amy